Welcome back!! Another week in the books!! Crazy we are on the verge of April!! For those who celebrate, April Fool’s Day is next Saturday! Find those Whoopie Cushions!
Before April is one of my favorite days of the year, because it’s a recognition for all individuals with whom I share an intrinsically important quality, transness.
While March 9th is my personal transitioning Discovery Day, March 31st is Transgender Day of Visibility, which is a day to celebrate being unapologetically us!
I have used the phrase ‘unapologetically me’ countless times; though every instance followed my transition, when I finally loved the ‘me’ to which I am referring. I make this phrase prominent in dating profiles, reviews for work, through my advocacy work, among others.
The phrase is meaningful to me, the specifics of which I will detail later; however, this week I realized my original adoption of that phrase occurred without investigating any deeper meaning it holds.
On the heels of last week’s post, which was about our Brand, I decided to dig into this phrase, since my usage is a clear indication that it is important to my image. Here’s what I learned!
First, please bear with me as I dust off the Merriam-Webster, while I lug it from the depths of my basement. Or perhaps I add a new tab on my browser with a single click. Either way, the definition of ‘unapologetic’ is: offered, put forward, or being such without apology or qualification
This definition confirms my initial suspicion that this isn’t an overly positive quality. Even worse was the definition from the Cambridge dictionary: without being sorry about having caused someone problems or unhappiness,
Causing problems or unhappiness? Just by being me? Yikes! Could that be true?
Well, the first situation I mentioned this phrase was on my dating profiles, which I suppose could cause some unhappiness. At this point in my life, I prefer to be single and happy with who I am, as opposed to being in a relationship as an alternative version of me.
Assuredly, this is PURELY a theoretical discussion, since the one chance I had for a date fizzled out….full story available over coffee or on a walk!
A second situation I mentioned was work, the details of which will stay sparse outside of the aforementioned coffee or walk. However, I will reveal that I will never be a yes-person. It’s impossible for me to sit idly by while someone says or does something I don’t agree with.
Finally, my advocacy efforts are intended to cause problems for some people, who in fairness, happen to be causing me problems in the first place! For the second weekend in a row, I was out meeting some of my elected officials, asking about their plans to quell the abundant anti-trans bills in the Kansas state house. For transparency, my particular elected officials in the capital are voting on my side, but while these bills remain a threat, hearing from me will remain a threat.
All three situations are rewarding insofar as I am staying true to myself; nonetheless, the reality I found this week was that it can be a fairly lonely, sometimes sad, place.
Last week, I actually had a real life date planned! I opened up about who I am, to which he provided a very sweet response. At that point, I was super excited, despite some clear deficiencies I saw in this man, compared to my vision of a partner. It was just one date, though. Marriage material is a luxury at my age and circumstance.
Truth be told, I have never been on a date as Hazel. Not a single one in more than two years!
Although I really wanted my first date, I couldn’t go through with it, because going simply for the sake of going is not who I am. Also, both our interests waned leading up to that day. Instead, I went to the gym by myself, then worked on my book, again by myself.
Funny aside, I sent this gentleman the link to my blog, which he told me he’s read, so if you are reading this [NAME REDACTED], I need someone who tries a little harder, both at dating me and life in general. Anyway…
On Saturday morning, while among a crowd of 50-60 people, I stood out, my transness front and center. Amidst the discussion of taxes, budgets, procedures, and other yawns, I came for only one issue, and if I don’t hear about it, be ready for me to ask about it afterwards. Oh, I’ll email you as well, so you have my name one more time. And I will probably see you again.
Not in a threatening way! Rather, I am not giving up, even if property tax valuations are going through the roof! I will force space for me, even when my voice is the only trans one in the room.
This is something I am getting used to, being the only one in a room. Interestingly, most people enter most spaces without a trans person present; conversely, I will always be in a room that contains a trans person. Oftentimes, I am the only one.
Admittedly, this can be stressful, but what makes me alone is what gives me strength. I am who I am, unapologetically me, and I absolutely love this.
That person I was before March 2021 could not do this, because the stress would cause this person to fold into a ball on the bed until the entire situation blew over. That person simply lacked the qualities to confront a stressful situation.
I refuse to be disappointed in that person, since the insecurities were a reflection of the deficiencies by not owning their true existence. In other words, that person didn’t know better.
Not Hazel though! Not Hazel who took a break from writing this post to dye her hair pink and blue, ideally to drive more attention her way. Not Hazel who has plans multiple days this week, many of which she will be the only trans one in the room. Not Hazel who will use these opportunities to shed light on the attack on the trans community.
Not Hazel who looks forward to being unapologetically me, regardless of whether that causes a problem or someone to be unhappy.
By this point in my post, I typically issue a challenge to my readers; although this week, the challenge is for me.
I challenge myself to maintain focus on who I am, knowing that while it’s not easy from time to time, it’s always worth it. Remain focused on your goals, girlfriend!!!
Have a phenomenal week everyone!!!