Hello again!! Another week of summer has passed!! Another post is here; in fact, since this is post thirty nine, that means we hit 75% of a year!!
October 31st was my first post, which is mind blowing, since before the first anniversary, I will have my surgery. Eek!! Also, note to self, plan for my posts ahead of time! While I plan to bring my laptop into the hospital, I am not sure I can hit my self-imposed Sunday deadline, nor do I want to put that pressure on me.
Although, there’s a 100% chance I will be writing anyway. What else would I do?
As a recap, in my post Medical Transitioning, I did discuss my surgery, which feels more real with each passing day. Additionally, I have committed my last two posts to social transitioning from the trans, albeit mostly my, perspective; however, I want to shift to the outsider perspective of these interactions.
While not a new topic for this blog, I hope to venture into novel ideas for individuals who are meeting trans people in public or at work; rather than close friends or family, which has been my focus. Let’s see where this goes, shall we?
First and foremost, never say a person’s deadname. Seriously, never. I know I’ve said that before, but I continue to say it for a reason. There is no “back when you were [deadname]” ever. Also, never ask!
How about pronouns? These truly are not as difficult as some people make them. For those who struggle, I encourage evaluation of your perception of gender norms, then admit your bias when it comes to expected gender presentation.
For example, think about one of the last people you saw in public, such as a grocery store clerk, someone walking a dog, just anyone you’ve seen, do not know personally. Picture them in your mind. Now ask yourself what pronouns that person uses.
If you are convinced of one specific set of pronouns, this is the bias that should be explored. Gender, gender presentation, and gender expression are social constructs, evident by the fact that no characteristic, whether clothing, hair style, or anything, is truly gendered. For example, consider how dresses were not always only for women. How about long hair? What is considered ‘normal’ changes, so is there a true ‘normal’?
I despise the term normal by the way!! By extension, I love the descriptor ‘weird’!
Furthermore, using they/them pronouns is not as difficult as some people make it, nor is there need for debating whether those should be used. Just face it, when someone uses they/them pronouns, that’s simply what you say. Any difficulty is rooted in the same bias I reference above, so please look within yourself to find your source of respect and love, drawing from there.
Suggestions:
Introduce yourself with your pronouns, including in person, email signatures, virtual meeting names, or when writing your own name tag.
If you don’t know, you can use the person’s name. Realistically, you can say Hazel instead of she or Hazel’s instead of her. Pronouns are short for proper nouns.
You can ask, preferably in one-on-one settings, rather than big gatherings, and never ask only people you suspect are trans.
Also, please do not excessively apologize! Honestly, if someone corrects a misuse of pronouns immediately, an apology isn’t necessary. We are human, thus we mess up, including pronouns for anyone. Making a big deal because the mistake was directed at a trans person can be uncomfortable.
Next, we are human, we have jobs, hobbies, interests, activities, etc, which means we are out doing those things just like everyone else. Whether you are a hater, accomplice, or anywhere in between, let us simply live our life by treating us as you would anyone else.
A concept I noted months ago feels perfect to finally bring up here, which is Imposter Syndrome. This is not purely a trans phenomenon, as it relates to being in situations where you theoretically should be included; however, internally, you feel no one thinks you should be included. In other words, you feel fake or an imposter.
My go-to, non trans example is after getting a promotion at work, you are in a manager meeting you never attended previously. During this time, those doubts that you actually belong is the imposter syndrome creeping in. New parents may feel it among a group of other parents, so hopefully those examples are adequate.
If these examples relate, how did you feel, specifically self consciousness.
For the trans experience, Imposter Syndrome can exist any time, particularly early in transition, when we are unlearning the fake methods we used to fit in. I remember situations where I felt judged, since I wasn’t quite natural yet, as decades of pretending to be male cannot fall away immediately.
This intermediate time can be nerve wracking at the exact time we are starting to introduce ourselves.
Believe it or not, I was actually quiet at first! Yes me! Instead of being my natural self, I was in my head, or looking around seeing if anyone would identify me as trans; despite knowing I was invited BECAUSE I am trans, and graciously seen as myself. Often these feelings subside the evening, then eventually over the weeks and months.
This is all to say, sometimes attention is a tricky thing, so when a well intended individual offers support, I may not be enthused in return.
Suggestions are to treat us as anyone else. The mere act of inclusion goes for eternity in my mind. Seriously, I remember some of those small, intentional comments from long ago.
One case, I was included in several mother children events, after which I thanked the woman who invited me, and she made nothing of it; instead, she said “of course you would be invited.” The inornate simplicity of the comment was heartwarming.
I admit I like attention, but this is following months of gaining comfort in myself, while accumulating instances of basic inclusion. Remember, I struggled my entire life with how I was seen in this world, but when I transitioned, I was shedding these feelings over time
Comically, being mansplained is a right of passage experience, as well as my appearance being a topic of conversation. I have a good friend who is quick to offer yet another ‘welcome to being a woman,’ which prompts a smile, thank you, and a little giggle.
In a world where these unfortunate circumstances exist, when they happen to me, I feel seen. Don’t get me wrong, the misogyny behind it is a problem, but excitedly I will work with the women of this world to end this for all of us, together.
Until next week, have a wonderful week!! I have some plans to make something new for next week, so I cannot wait for you to see!!