Hello again!! Happy middle of July! The midpoint of 2023 has shrunk in our rear view mirror, so how do you feel?
If you feel like your year needs some care, no worries, as plenty of time remains!! For this week, plenty of time remains to discuss my 2023 goals, so I’m extending my topic from last week about social transitioning.
A goal of mine is advocating for the trans community, which I attempt to achieve through posts like these; consequently, if I can write a few more posts before evaluating my year, my goals look even better!!
Before I begin, if anyone has specific questions, please let me know! As you can tell from the stories I splice in, my topics are generally sourced from my life. I presume if I hear something from a few people, others may have the same thoughts, then I go from there. If I am inadvertently telepathically ignoring you, please speak up!
Last week’s post was about my name, which is truly special for me, as it clearly defines my transition. While I believe Hazel always existed within me, referring to this composition of bones, muscles, organs, and all these other things inside me as Hazel makes it real. When you see this person, you see Hazel.
Have I ever mentioned I love my name? No? Maybe? Well, I do love my name!!
Additionally, I love how I look! Similarly, this composition of mass that is Hazel is covered and presented in a way that defines me. Despite being stealth* a few times recently, most people notice I am trans, and hopefully as a cute, excessively feminine, bright, and cheery trans girl. When you see this person, you see me!
*stealth = going undetected as transgender. Different from passing, which is a broader categorization that means people see me as a woman, thus default to she/her pronouns, regardless of whether they can tell I am trans. Stealth is more important for safety, while passing is more specifically about perception.
Without hesitation, I admit clothing and makeup reaches an obsessive level for me, mostly because of how much these meant to me through my transition. First, I started wearing makeup years before I found my name, after I came out as gay, and when my perception of who I really am began to form.
I enjoyed being seen as queer, not only signaling a preference to potential partners, but also that I am a safe person for other queer individuals. While people often questioned my heterosexuality, it was not as obvious as I wanted it to be; primarily because I spent so much time and effort previously hiding it.
Painting my nails was also important, since this was something I could see more easily, bringing me joy whenever I could see my hands; compared to makeup, for which I needed a mirror. Mirrors were something I struggled with at this point in my life, but that’s a theme I am developing in my book!
When I started to realize these changes weren’t enough for my desire for myself, I started to explore with clothing. A little known fact is I owned women’s clothing years before I found my name. Despite making perfect sense now, I did not have any grand reason back then, other than I was compelled to go to a thrift store to buy some. I liked it.
Then when I understood the depths of who I am through developing my own style, I began to genuinely appreciate how I could present myself. Over time, supported by Covid Economic Impact Payments, I started to build my closet into a source of joy. In fact, countless mornings, when I was unsure about my transition, I drew strength from my closet I was building.
My closet in 2021:
My main hurdle was my inability to fully embrace my life, which was limited; instead, I could only imagine how wonderful it would be to present authentically. I made a promise to myself to believe in this possibility.
What I realize now, I absolutely underestimated how great this feels!
My clothing indeed brings me intense joy, whilst generating attention I historically spurned. Nevertheless, my real personality brings me attention, as I am very outgoing, social, and an extrovert through and through, a reflection upon which you see in my appearance. It’s a cohesive message projected onto this world about who I am, which is remarkably different than who I was.
Interestingly, something pertinent occurred this past week at an event in my city, during which I was walking through a room where dozens of people were spread out, conversing in small groups, when these two individuals stopped me to chat. None of this was surprising until the first comment he made, which was that he’s never seen me repeat an outfit.
The shock is that I do not recall ever speaking to this person before; although being a fellow Prairie Village resident, I am sure he’s seen me around. I laughed it off, particularly after he added commentary about my bright and happy personality.
I adore the fact my clothing and personality were connected, as it’s proof I am achieving my desired outcome, even to someone who has simply seen me around our city. Meanwhile, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt of well intention, since I don’t have anything else to suggest otherwise.
I told this story to a friend at coffee a few days later, to which she concurred about not seeing me repeat an outfit. Honestly, I spend way more time planning outfits than anyone else I know, while also shopping at thrift stores to economically bolster my options.
It’s intentional, because I love this about me. Unintentional is how much I have admitted through this post!! Please don’t judge too harshly!!
Or you can judge! This is ultimately who I am and what makes me happy! Just as sharing this blog makes me happy! You, the reader, make me happy!!
I implore you to find your happiness with how you look! My suggestion is to think about going to a dinner party or an important presentation, where how you feel comes from how you present. Make that connection within yourself.
Then just remember, that’s literally me every day, since every day is magical when I get to be me, inside and outside.
Love you all!! Have a wonderful week!!
