Hello again!! How was your week?? Pushing forward through summer with fall on the horizon!
More pressing was dealing with repercussions of a Tuesday holiday messing up my flow, not to mention the holiday itself isn’t my favorite. For one, as a nondrinker who doesn’t blow up stuff, I am already excluded from most festivities, combined with “celebrating” a country trying to exclude me based on who I am is doubly difficult.
Nevertheless, I managed to have a good, though relatively quiet week from my perspective!
Within my week, I actually had several evenings without much on my calendar, allowing me to catch up on the long overdue task of writing my book. I crossed the thirty thousand word threshold, for which I am proud, despite being a mark I should have hit weeks ago. Most importantly, my goal of a first draft complete by mid-October remains within reach.
Additionally, I was able to slow down to reflect on where my life is at the moment, since changes have been plentiful in recent weeks, months, and years. This time helps me recognize I continue to grow into who I am, cultivating those parts of me that are only awakening after the foundational shift of transitioning two years ago. Specifically these are deep characteristics about who I am, since I am not simply that old person in new packaging.
During this week, I also celebrated the anniversary of when I used my name for the first time in public, which was truly a special memory for me. While I had some friends who already knew, telling a stranger made it real, since that individual didn’t know anything else. They only knew me as Hazel, which was magical!
Indeed, social transitioning is truly magical in so many ways, which is why I want to bring my experience here, as I know many of you will never know the joy! For that, I am sorry!!
Before jumping in, I will specify the context of this discussion. Here, I will focus on Summer 2021, when the world started to know the real me; although, I was months beyond the development in my own mind, and only the precipice of becoming who I am today. In other words, this is a snapshot of a finite part of the process, albeit intensely integral, since it relates to my name.
Have I ever mentioned I love my name??
Once I found my name, I had to wrap my head around what it means to tell the world who I really am. Leading up, I constantly oscillated between desire to have the world know me and being afraid of what others would think. Even the day I found my name, excitement immediately gave way to fear.
When those friends first used Hazel, it was certainly an adjustment, as my brain had to reprogram what it understood to be called for 39 years. I still remember when I heard Hazel for the first time on a phone call with a dear friend. Giddiness overwhelmed my thought process, which I hold in my memories. The rest of that evening was fantastic, hearing Hazel, while I quickly learned how to love this name for me.
From then on, a noticeable void existed, when the world referred to me as anything other than Hazel. At first, I tolerated the old, incorrect name, but it quickly became a burden I carried, along with the fact my appearance did not match what the world expected for someone named Hazel. Most critically, my appearance did not match what I expected for myself as Hazel.
Week after week, my appearance started to generate dysphoria, so I began making visual changes, such as shaving my legs, wearing more neutral clothing and wearing makeup differently. By that point, makeup and nail polish was not new to me; nevertheless, how I used it shifted from a novelty into my identifiable characteristics.
Beyond what most people could see, nor even knew, was that I wore a sports bra under my clothes to serve as a reminder about who I am. Regardless of where I was or whom I was with, it grounded me in the concept that this is a journey, and for myself, I was on my way.
All these gave me refuge when the world was unaware.
The steady stream of changes picked up momentum, assisted by the advice from others, as I started to open up, unable to keep my wonderful secret. Changes under my deadname culminated in shaving my facial hair, which gave me personal freedom to use my name. However, I didn’t actually have a plan!
On July seventh 2021, I ventured into a Sephora, looking for ideas for my eyebrows, based on one of those suggestions I mentioned. A sales associate kindly helped me without judgment, then later asked if I wanted to sign up for their rewards program. Ready or not, the associate asked for my name, and I instinctively jumped in with Hazel and my email address. It was spectacular!!
After leaving the store, I just sit in my car percolating on the novel feelings pulsing my mind and body.
Unbelieve elation from head to toe!!
I was ready to tell the world, so I began to consider how I could correct what everyone thought. Around that time, I deactivated social media accounts under that name, while planning on eventually creating brand new accounts with a new friend list. I was fearful of transitioning in front of that existing list of friends; although, I know others go the route of changing their name. Either way is fine!!
For me, I opted for individual conversations, as opposed to a big announcement; since this is incredibly important to me. Furthermore, I did not have a ton of friends at that time, so the number was manageable. Repeatedly reintroducing myself to those in my life is an endless fountain of delight, whether that’s friends or acquaintances.
Sometimes I miss this process, while at the same time, I am grateful for all the new people I meet! My reality now is I meet so many new people, because I am my true authentic self. Honestly, both are amazing!!
Most importantly, I am grateful I get to be me, and I hope with all my existence that you get to be you too!! Life is too short to not be!!
Have a wonderful week!! Stay amazing!!!