Hello everyone!! Back after a brief pause for my surgery! I am still recovering, thus resting more, sleeping SO much more, and generally sitting around more.
With all the surgery energy, I decided to make a couple posts about the surgery itself, separating the lead up to surgery from my feelings afterwards. This post is the lead up; although, I am writing post surgery, so I am trying to keep it pure to my thoughts ahead of surgery day.
If you’ve been around long enough, you know this is not my first post about surgery! In fact, my first post was part of a series about my transition written back in June, when I talked about Pride month, social transitioning along with medical transitioning.
While not a prerequisite to reading on, my due diligence suggests I add the link to my thirty third post!
That post from months ago remains true, specifically that my body isn’t broken, rather this is simply not how I see myself. Certainly, I was self-conscious about my body, yet that was only part of the story, though the place I will go first.
As I began to socially transition, I was self-conscious about nearly everything. Looking back, rightfully so, as I didn’t feel incredibly natural yet. I spent nearly four decades pretending to be male, leaving in place many tendencies and habits I had to unlearn, all the while I was actively moving about the world.
Further, I was adjusting my look, adding hormones, which eventually started making an impact; however, I was going by Hazel, using she/her pronouns, already, leading to some incongruence. As that narrowed, meaning my look feminized, while allowing my natural, much more feminine, tendencies to be unencumbered, I felt more congruent with my transition.
Also, can I add that I love how I look these days!
However, there was always that issue of my body, despite no one really seeing those parts. When I was hanging with girlfriends, feeling amazing connections, casting out feminine energy that I love about this life, I was keenly aware that among these women, my body was different.
Eventually, I understood my body is a version of a woman’s body, which I fully believe. I am a woman, this is my body, hence a woman’s body. As I said in that post over the summer, my body is not broken.
Nevertheless, this woman’s body was different. While doubtful others thought about my body as much as I did, I am always with my body, and with my eager social calendar, found myself often surrounded by girlfriends.
.Not that surgery could fix everything, it would make a noticeable difference to allow for greater comfort simply being myself.
Additionally, my pre-surgery body stops me from having the full life that fits me. Don’t get me wrong, I would have found the fullest life possible, yet I was already compromising, particularly when it comes to the dating world.
Before I go further, I will add a reminder that I am pansexual, meaning the gender of a potential partner has no relevance to my decision to pursue a romantic relationship. It’s not that I find everyone attractive, rather I can see myself with anyone of any gender.
That said, I do have preferences, specifically towards masculine presenting people. Keep in mind, I came out as gay before I transitioned, and it was my own gender identity questions that pulled me away from the identification of gay.
Side note: that’s super relevant for my book, about which there will be an announcement soon!
Back on track, so like I said, I would have led the fullest possible dating life, but let’s be real, I would have to make concessions in some way, whether safety or opportunity.
Several times over the last few years, I did date within the trans community, which was the safest possible dating scene for me. Emotionally safe, as we could relate in unspoken ways before our first date. Physically safe, as we were used to all types of bodies, so we could let our guard down with our own.
However, it’s a much smaller community from which to date, which means fewer options as well as quick traveling news among peers.
As I mentioned, having a preference towards masculine presenting people, means my greatest opportunity is among the cis men community, which was of greatest concern for safety. To assuage my safety concerns, I would often be upfront about my body, then let him decide to pursue.
I only had a few dates, whether that was my lost interest, his lost interest, or some combination of the two; nevertheless, I knew the conversation about my body was something that contributed, if nothing else, to my feelings.
Briefly, one more contribution to my hesitancy is how physical intimacy is something that doesn’t really excite me. Even if a guy accepts my body, I have strict boundaries, making physically intimate something simply easier to avoid, rather than exist within my boundaries.
Essentially, dating is not something I really want to do with this body, hence I was often overly content with being single.
Looking forward to surgery, it’s opening the possibility of dating, not just for the potential partners, but my boundaries will open, making it more possible for me to be happy. This is about me having more in my life, something I want.
In fact, as I think about my future body, giving me a future dating life, I have opened up the possibility of long-term monogamy. I’ll struggle to say the words wife or marriage, but it’s real now….or at least possibly real now.
Recently, a friend asked me if I thought about my wedding dress, and believe it or not, I have, and was able to describe it. Can you believe it???
That’s what I look forward to with surgery. Having a body that gives me all of my life, while also allowing freedom to feel comfortable in all situations.
Even just the possibility of having this has changed my outlook. I am excited for what’s to come!!
Have a wonderful week everyone!