Hello again!! How was your week??
We are amidst a dangerous heat wave here in Kansas City, so I am taking full advantage of a leisurely paced weekend and air conditioning; although a trip to the pool remains a possibility. In fact, a nap may occur before too long, as I am writing this early Saturday afternoon and yawning yet again.
Yes! A nap!
Actually, I need to clarify, a nap for me is actually laying down for thirty minutes to an hour trying to shut my mind off, as sleeping in the middle of the day is disorientating once I wake up. I ask myself what time, day, or even who I am. Anyone else feel this way?
Work has been challenging, so I occasionally do this on my lunch break, or for my personal life as I take inventory of how long I have been fighting. This past week, we crossed five months from when I commenced closely following the anti-trans bills in Kansas before they passed, before the veto was overridden, before they went into force, before threats to the letter F on my driver’s license, all the while I am still worried when I use public restrooms.
It’s exhausting, but I don’t have a choice, since I decided to stay here in Kansas, helping my trans siblings get through this on our way to a better world!
This struck me earlier this week, when I was chatting with someone at work, again chatting over a messaging program, since I have been working from home since early May thanks to the anti-trans laws.
While attempting to provide encouragement, their two-word comment had the opposite effect, prompting sadness that despite my endless efforts, I still have so much in front of me.
Their comment was simply “Stay Strong”
Why do I have to stay strong? Because hate and discrimination is finding me at no fault of my own. I cried alone, at home, because I am trans in a state that insists I leave or die.
I lingered on these thoughts for the rest of that day, which included a walk, reflecting on last week’s post about limits. On this day, I was reaching a contrasting limit, since this one I am fighting against, rather than moving past; pushing away, rather than pulling towards.
This limit is giving up.
Regardless of our limits, we experience discomfort, fear, anxiety, stress, or any other feeling we want to avoid. When the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is one we seek, we rationalize these feelings as a temporary pain that will sweeten our rewards in the end.
Conversely, piling on the pain dims that light to the point we rationalize living in darkness forever, rather than finding the courage to sustain. Afterall, we can adjust our life in the same way our eyes adjust to the dark.
On this walk, I stopped to sit with my thoughts, because while I knew I could never give up, I also could not deny thinking about them. If I could understand the source, then perhaps I will recognize early signs next time.
More importantly, I thought about this post, hoping I can find a way to help others.
While I would love to say I promptly gathered myself to my feet, skipped back home, then did all the things I imagined I would be doing; however, that was far from the truth. Instead, I walked back with my mind open to what the universe could tell me.
I heard that it’s okay to feel this way sometimes, so I should never feel ashamed.
I heard I can admit it, even for someone who puts on a strong image for the world.
I heard admitting it can be a challenge, even for myself.
I heard I should be proud of myself.
I heard I can be sad while I stay strong.
Feeling sad is not a weakness, nor is approaching the limit on what we can handle, as long as we recognize what we need. I love being alone in these moments, as working through my messy thoughts is a maze I must personally navigate. There is freedom being my own guide.
Somehow in my corner of the Universe, among the parks in Prairie Village, I found what I needed; although, I cannot explain what or how, but that’s okay, as it’s mine. I am not sure what helps me will help you.
For me, I must simply keep going, reminding myself about why I do what I do. Showing up to another meeting as the only out trans person, so others remember we exist. Putting in the time and effort understanding this is a marathon that will be won by consistently taking baby steps, rather than an exhaustive sprint.
More importantly, showing up for the person who needs to see someone like them in places they do not expect, which can feel like everywhere right now.
Never forgetting, I was that someone more than thirty years ago, who yearned for this version of me to be visible in her life. I wake up every single day dedicated to eight year old Hazel that was alone in this world. I am sorry sweetie.
I realized this week, our strengths can be our burden, sometimes straddling a fine line between our upper and lower limits. While we should enjoy our success when it’s tangible, we must never run it dry, as there will be a day soon, when we need to draw from that well.
And that’s okay. Life is precarious.
Days later it happened again, I found myself firmly against my upper limit, as I was preparing for another television interview. I nailed it! In fact, after my kids and I watched together, my daughter commented that I looked like I knew what I was doing.
Whether it’s easy or not is irrelevant, as my dreams bring me here, fueled by passion, reinforced by the struggles that remain fresh in my heart and mind. Before signing off for the week, I will remember to store some of this for the inevitable valley that awaits at some point.
Until then, have a wonderful week everyone!!!