Happy Sunday! I am still here, I hope that is okay! Also, I hope you had a good week!!
Honestly, I did not, but I hope I can make the best impression nonetheless!!
Speaking of impressions, I am humbled by the response from my last post, which inspires me to keep going! I am unsure when I can get back to my original mission, though perhaps when my life returns to normal, which seems less likely each day. Therefore, buckle up for the foreseeable future!!
Also, thank you for being here!!Since you are here, you can find the backstory with a few clicks, so I will only provide a brief update. My best comparison for this past week is Covid, although only for me.
I tend to stay at home more than I am used to, then when I do go out, I am looking around for warning signs indicating I may experience problems. Rather than an uncovered cough or sneeze, I am mindful of a stare that may dwell too long or a phone pointed as if to take a picture; meanwhile, I try to get out of places as quickly as possible, keeping my head down, eyes on the prize: leaving.
These
actually
happen!
Specifically, this experience describes mostly Johnson County Kansas, but for those not in the area, I can easily get to Kansas City Missouri, which is significantly safer for trans and queer people in general.
My new normal is an altered reality, because the threats to my safety are real and focused on me, given the state-sanctioned discrimination by Kansas’ government. I no longer rely on hope, which I made clear in a brief letter last week, because how could I hope to be safe, when my hope in the state government was destroyed?
In my opinion, my message to hope was among my most impactful, keeping it front of mind through this past week; consequently, I have some observations I will share with this post!
First, hope feels pointless, which I more or less said last week, when I used the word foolish. When I started noticing usage of that word, ‘hope’ is often the end of a discussion.
I hope you feel better. I hope for the best.
I hope the state’s government does the right thing.
I hear, “I hope something good happens, but please do not ask me to do anything”; hence the pointless descriptor. In other words, I hear hope being used to absolve meaningful responsibility for whatever follows the word hope.
For my reality, I cannot simply hope to be safe, rather I need to keep myself safe, both physically and emotionally. Being in KCMO is only the beginning, while I consider what my life looks like in the future.
Secondly, I noticed I start many of my emails with a message of hope for a time in the past. For example, on Mondays, I often begin emails with “I hope your weekend was wonderful!” or later in the week I will write “I hope your week has been fantastic so far!” I want these comments to show I care about what happened to those people with whom I interact.
While I believe this to be true; ultimately, I cannot do anything to impact your past. Similarly, no one can impact the past actions of the Kansas government. What’s done is done, so I have to move forward.
Hope is futile yet again, as there is nothing I can actually do to influence your weekend or week; rather admittedly, it’s somewhat self serving: I want you to have a favorable opinion of me.
Similarly, I hear hopeful messages to benefit the sender, rendering the receiver’s opinion uninfluenced.
Finally, for this post at least, I hear hope often used from the context of religion, which I will no longer ignore.
Yes, I am going here. Yes, I understand I may offend you.
My reality is, I cannot differentiate which god loves me versus which hates me, so all of you please stop. It’s easier that way. Plain and simple.
Regardless of what any individual says, the masses against me point to god, jesus, the bible, or all three to prove I am invalid. According to them, god doesn’t make mistakes, and god defines two genders from birth. Consequently, god ordains them to administer misery to the trans community
Their god doesn’t love me, so your god doesn’t love me. Their god causes me pain, so your god causes me pain.
I refuse to differentiate the source of pain.
Please please please I hope you stop praying for me! I know some of you try, because you’ve told me, while I believe others do too.
Instead, direct those prayers to the individuals in the pews next to you, as the tragedy here is the CAUSE of the pain, rather than feeling my pain. As long as your prayers seek me before them, your prayers hold no power.
Their hatred in the name of god outlasts your “love”. They scream from the pulpit while you whisper from your home, so whom do you think god hears?
I know what I hear.
I hope you find your voice amongst your congregation, while I find safety from that same congregation.
As my life continues to evolve through this incredibly heartbreaking experience, hope has become a four letter word, which I can no longer speak, nor rely on. Hope does not keep me safe, nor does it wipe away my endless tears.
Hope helps you live with yourself as you watch our suffering.
Thank you again for reading, particularly thanks to those who share!!! I’ve learned this past week my readership extends well beyond what I assumed!
Curiously, I wonder if this point in history is my destiny, as I define my purpose, existence, and dreams more clearly than ever; meanwhile, the opposition to all these crescendos more aggressively than ever.
Eventually, something will break. There is no other possibility. I implore you to step up beyond hope by speaking up, by standing up in support of me and my community.
Too late will be here soon. Trust me.