Hello again!! How was your week? Did you live your ‘best you’ this past week? What about the levels of stress you experienced?
As mentioned last week, I endeavored to increase engagement in activities that reduced my stress, or more accurately served as breaks that I enjoy, even if they are not true breaks.
I am happy to report the week from last Sunday to this past Saturday, I have averaged thirteen thousand steps per day, during which time I finished up listening to two books I previously started.
Additionally, I made pretty decent progress on my book, including a road map through which I finish my remaining portions of my first draft in twenty weeks! It feels daunting, but I am extremely motivated and can see my story coming to life!!!
Overall, this points to a productive week, one in which my stress should be manageable, right? Afterall, we are in April, which remains Stress Awareness Month. Well, towards mid-week, my life and stress fell into flux, when I became very aware of new stress in my life.
Briefly, in case you didn’t hear, those anti-trans bills, one of which I was specifically challenging my state legislators on, advocating against, and generally fearful of passage, they all passed. Worst part, they currently have enough support to override the presumed veto by the governor. I had previously felt safe in the safety of the veto.
All these bills limit the rights of transgender Kansans to live the life they want; although one of these in particular will limit our right to simply be in public as a trans woman. Meaning, in my home state of Kansas I cannot be myself, because trans women are excluded in the definition of women these legislators made up.
When I heard this news, which was first thing in the morning, since the legislation passed around 3 or 4 AM on the very last possible day of the session, stress was not my first response. Instead, I was incredibly sad. Unfortunately I was at work, so I tried to hold back my tears; although as I was telling my boss about it, I couldn’t help but cry.
I hate crying at work, even though it happens more often than I would like to admit!
On this day, I felt personally attacked because of who I am, and the worst part was I was trying to stop this! I was spending time and effort getting the word out about these bills, and speaking with those very people in the state capital who voted.
I cannot help but wonder if my legislators thought about me, particularly the one I told to his face about how worried I became after reading the bill. Yes, I even read the language of the bills as part of my efforts.
Then I speculate if I could have done more, essentially blaming myself. I thought if I had made it easier for those who support me to contact their elected officials, maybe one or two votes could swing. It is literally that slim of a margin to override the veto.
Feels like a margin I could have overcome.
I was going through stages of grief, which I will not pretend to know well enough to confirm or deny. Nevertheless, I recognized how inconsequential these thoughts about the past truly were.
Coincidentally, on a recent morning walk, I was thinking about one particular scene in my book, during which I am convincing myself that the past doesn’t matter, and even going backwards is sometimes going forward. In this scene, I use the analogy of reaching a dead-end in a maze, causing me to turn around.
At that point, the path that brought us here is in front of us, while the deadend itself is behind us, making our options moving forward down a path already traveled or surrendering here at the dead end.
Going forward for me this week is figuring out how to maintain my identity while remaining compliant with state law, which means more time at home or in Missouri.
Additionally, I will defend against attacks on who I am, because these are an affront on those qualities about me that give me the most strength. I will never give up my fight, because I will never give up who I am.
I am determined to win my rights to be me!
Once I officially lose my rights, possibly July first, I will have increased stress, which is not always a negative. Keep in mind, humans developed an evolutionary stress response for a reason, primarily because they can stay safe from harm. I did a tiny bit of research, which told me that our reaction to stress is focus, attention, and increased ability to remember. Makes sense!
Moreover, my response is determination and resolve. I will not give up, even if my safety is in doubt, because giving up is essentially death. I will not give up who I am.
While most people will not face my exact scenario, everyone will face stressful encounters, but this isn’t something we should run from. Rather, we need to harness our stress response to our benefit; after all, our bodies know what to do.
I challenge you to not only overcome the fear, but to embrace the opportunity to make a better situation than what you originally faced. We can dream the impossible, then work towards that as a reality.
I truly want regret to exist wholly within those people who believe they can eliminate us, because the result will be a world in which trans people get the full respect, love, and appreciation we deserve. Honestly, even this is not happening to the extent I believe it should.
In the meantime, I just hope all my transgender siblings stay safe and strong, as this pain may not be easy to overcome, particularly when combined with loneliness or despair. I love you all!!
Additionally, I am immensely grateful for those who’ve reached out to me with their support and encouragement! Words cannot express my gratitude for lifting my spirits, when I doubted if I could ever be happy again. I love you all too!!
Have a wonderful week everyone!!!