What is it about miserable weather outside that makes our homes so comfortably appealing? As I write this, Mother Nature is sending Kansas City a chilling reminder that winter is coming: ten straight hours of rain and temperatures trending towards my age. However, I am quite cozy with a blanket on my lap, hot tea in my mug, and a book nearby that is increasingly alluring.
Then it hits me, I am sitting in a metaphor for what it is like to succumb to fear. My current situation is safe, my basic and some higher level needs are met, plus I can work towards one of my weekly goals. Leaving here is a risk, because not only will I relinquish my current comforts, but I may add discomforts of rain and cold temperatures.
I started thinking what would be worth leaving? First thing that comes to mind is if I knew my future boyfriend was somewhere I would go, then happily I would get wet and cold to find him. Besides, he is sweet, so he would put his warm coat over my shoulders, give me a big hug, and look deeply into my eyes, lean in……focus Hazel….eh hmm, there are other examples for leaving my cocoon, but you get my point.
The evaluation of whether a decision is worthwhile depends on the inputs (comfortable situation here plus bad weather out there) as well as the likelihood of desired outputs (meeting future boyfriend). Complicating matters is we must make assumptions about the likelihood and magnitude of these desired outcomes, sometimes without any basis whatsoever, such as my assumption my handsome future boyfriend frequents the produce aisle on rainy Friday nights.
Even worse, the positivity of a desired outcome may change over time. Expectedly, future boyfriend is very sweet in the beginning, taking me to dinner and buying me gifts, rendering quite insignificant the hurdles to meet him that first day. However, let’s say after several months I learn boyfriend is the mastermind behind a massive international drug cartel, which means I am now a target of the FBI and/or a rival cartel. Well, I am ending this relationship as soon as we get home from our European vacation, and I now regret the same risk I was previously so thankful for taking.
Admittedly, I must regain focus as I consider setting you aside to go cruise produce aisles for this future boyfriend. When I get there, I will spark a conversation, because that’s who I am – not necessarily fearless, rather I accept fear as inevitable for progress. I fear not getting this post done, which weighs out, so I am still with you
This acceptance of fear is relatively new to me. I lived much of my life staying comfortable, trying not to stand out, and welcoming what comes to me. I was quite content until a seed I planted long ago sprouted a tiny shoot, which I knew would change the landscape of my life in one way or another.
It was early 2021, when my life was starting to settle down: I started a new job working from home, recovered from the end of a relationship, and Covd was keeping us indoors, although vaccines were in the news. At this point, the weeds on the ground of my life were cleared, and my time alone was the water and sunlight that cultivated the idea that I was not the person I believed I was for nearly 39 years. I was compelled enough to search for a name that better suited me, then on March 9th, I found Hazel, which I love SOOOOOOOO much!
Once my euphoria of finding my name settled, I felt this overwhelming sense of fear.
When I was in my therapist’s office two days later, I used the word scared countless times. In fact, I was actually scared to tell her!
The conversation with my therapist that day left me with the realization that this fear was unlike any I had ever experienced, because this time, it was cold and rainy inside my house. Status quo was no longer this safe, warm respite; instead, staying inside became worse than going outside. This is despite the fact going outside meant transitioning my entire life.
I am immensely grateful for my realization and journey into this world as my authentic self. Somehow, my euphoria grows each day, directly attributable to taking this risk. Additionally, I am particularly thankful for how my approach to fear has been altered. Now, I give more emphasis to what could be lost by not taking the risk, which is a good spot to wrap up for the week.
We all make choices to undertake a challenge or not, so this week, let’s put greater consideration on the costs of staying comfortable. What if you believed it was raining inside your house?
Have an amazing week everyone!
Thank you for reading! I am off to the produce aisle!