Hello all!! How have you been??
My week has been characterized by mixed emotions, some of which are expressed in my Thanksgiving post here:
On the other hand, this particular post represents my typical themes, including the topic of my book, which is getting pretty exciting. Have I mentioned I am writing a book yet??
Here’s the latest update: I currently have several people, known in the industry as Beta Readers, reading it for feedback. These individuals are selected based on past work experience or interest in a book such as mine.
Since I am so close to the process, I lack perspective of a new reader, thus I have these folks providing insights into what may be confusing, redundant, slow, fast, or anything I cannot see clearly.
Finally, I kept this group small, so if you weren’t asked, I mean no offense. I value your opinion! You are wonderful!! I am grateful for you!!
Please stay posted on my progress, as I still want you to read it! Please read it! Comes out in January!
Each time I hit send on the email to one of these individuals, my nerves were filling up a balloon in my gut, leading to anxiety bursting at my seams. My book is out in this world, being judged by a small group of people, who theoretically could pull the plug on this entire endeavor.
While a slight exaggeration, as I wouldn’t pull the plug entirely, I could certainly temper my excitement..
I am vulnerable. Again. Sure, there are stories in the book no one has heard, or if you have, it’s been on a very limited scope. Seriously, I estimate 95% of people who know me will be surprised by the end of chapter one.
How about that for a tease???
Beyond my vulnerability in those specific stories, I am putting my work out there for the world. It’s a book I wrote about discovering myself. All my aspirations of writing, speaking, advocacy, all of it intersecting in those brief emails with a very important attachment.
As a writer, if I cannot write, what good am I? Sure, not all writers publish books, but this writer does. That was among my very first writing goals.
As a speaker, if I cannot convey an interesting story, what good am I? I have a niche advocating for trans rights, but that’s reactionary. I want to set my own stage.
As an advocate, well I can keep doing that, but my reach can be grander if my story gets traction.
I’m nervous!
In the past, I wrote about defining my own success, through which I define my own failure. While I absolutely still believe this, all that time and effort to have something unworthy of publication is demoralizing.
Admittedly, this is slightly dramatic, as I think this is good enough, and this group is designed to help me produce my best work possible, nevertheless my mind cannot help but to wander into the worst possibilities.
Furthermore, I am in disbelief. I am at this point, months away from publishing a book. A freakin book!! About me! That I wrote!
Of course when I started I figured this day would come, but like so many monumental circumstances, it doesn’t feel real. I am working through some of the ancillary steps, such as designing a cover, while I put the text down to give it some space.
This was a suggestion by a writer friend, who encouraged me to give it fresh eyes at some future point. She said a month, but I am struggling to make it a week! Okay, as I write this it’s only been three days, but I don’t have immediate plans to pull it back out.
I will make it the full week, perhaps longer, but a month? Doubtful.
The idea of fresh eyes is appealing, as I have been so close to this project for so long. Every week I spent time on it, on a bad week only putting in one thousand or so words. On a good week and towards the end, I was putting in triple that.
Also, I was reading and editing throughout. Oh, did I mention that my book has a unique presentation that I developed after a writing group read my first chapter? They liked half of it, so I scraped the second half, and in doing so, changed my whole structure.
Leading to weeks of redevelopment last winter, I wasn’t actually writing at that point, thus word count can only begin to tell the story of the time I spent.
It’s reminiscent of my transition itself, exerting significant time and energy into something taking me who knows where. My book was nothing nearly fifteen months ago, while I was nearly nothing fifteen months before that.
You will read in my book, I wasn’t sure about so much of the process. Heck, I was in the middle of it, when I still wasn’t sure what I was doing. I found my name, and still didn’t know what I would do with this information.
That’s actually the beauty of my story, and my intention in how I write it. You know the answer, right? I’m Hazel..now. I love this about me. It’s not a pop quiz, rather a journey.
Shortly after the emails were sent, I took a walk, as I did often during my transition, particularly when nerves and anxiety started to take over. Through this practice, I can cleanse my mind, focus on what’s important, or at least get ten thousand steps.
Sure enough, I was able to move past these nerves, building up the confidence I have within myself. This is the same confidence I use every single day, knowing the world sees and knows me, as Hazel.
Ultimately, that’s why I started this blog endeavor, as well. While I don’t have all the answers, I know being Enthusiastically Me has led me to incredible heights in my own life, which is the title of my book, in case you didn’t know.
I encourage all of you to be Enthusiastically You, because no matter what, you can take on whatever life presents to you, whether that’s a small group of Beta Readers, or anything else.
You have the power to be you! Please use it!! I love you for who you are!!
Have a wonderful week!!
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