Hello again!!! I hope your week was spectacular! I hope your last twenty weeks have been truly spectacular!
I know twenty weeks feels like so long ago, particularly when I sometimes struggle to remember twenty minutes ago!
For me, twenty weeks ago marks the beginning of this blog, which has been a pretty wild ride that has gone quickly and slowly at the same time! For the record, I do not fool myself into thinking most of my current readers were around twenty weeks ago.
Truth be told, I hope most of you were not current readers twenty weeks ago!
I actually read my first few posts, and optimistically, my critique is: I see myriad areas in which my writing has improved. It’s not horrible, right?
Unsurprising, since I knew I had to write to improve my ability to write. For instance, I wanted to get my first ten thousand words down quickly, so I can be ten thousand words better as soon as possible. I knew these would likely be my worst ten thousand words, but I had to start somewhere.
Of course, now my writing has better word selection, the flow is more reflective of the style of writing I am doing, and sentences build to paragraphs which build to points, weaved together into a topic of the week in a more entertaining way.
At least that’s what I am seeing and hoping you do as well.
On a deeper level, there is something else I notice in my writing. My first posts were clinical, emotionless, written as if I was back in college, although not even for a creative writing class – remember I studied economics! This style has a purpose, though it’s inconsistent with the message I wanted to convey.
Furthermore, when I look back at my first several posts, which were about Fear, I sense something new I hadn’t noticed while writing them. There is a subtle protective shell in the tone, as if to ensure I could not be hurt or embarrassed or something. My personality, and vulnerabilities, were very thin through them.
After rereading a few more times, I believe there was a deeper fear within me I was unaware of! In a way, it sounds like I was writing these first posts to myself!
I was encouraging myself to be better, while working within the confines of what I understood at that time. All under the pretense I knew what I was doing.
I didn’t, though. I was simply doing my best. This intrinsic fear prevented me from thoroughly using my true voice, instead I was hiding behind attempts to analyze my way to my point, which is something I had been familiar with.
The reality is, I am not a good enough writer for that! Nor do I want to be!
When I think about my recent writing, I get a much different impression. I did flip through many of my posts, though I did not read them all, because each is about one thousand words. Interesting fact I learned, a piece that is twenty thousand words qualifies as a novella. That’s kind of fun, but also a lot of work in one sitting!!
What I notice and feel in recent posts, I have dialed back my cognition and exposed my personality, giving my writing depth of emotions at the expense of analysis.
In other words, new and improved: now with more Hazel!!
This has turned into one of my strengths: connecting the voice of this individual behind the keyboard to the people reading these words. My voice has developed a more tangible quality, which is what this blog needs. Obviously beneficial for a memoir, which is literally my voice telling my story.
This is the type of writer I can be, good enough to be entertaining while unambiguously being myself, hoping that I’m interesting enough! Or inspiring enough! Or whatever that enough is for you!
Recognizing a new fear in my writing was unexpected, and actually took some time to fully comprehend. I remember writing the words for these posts, which don’t forget, were about fear. This level of irony cannot be made up!
It’s a good reminder though! First, I can stay humble knowing I have to keep working at this. Sure at some points it feels easy, but that’s probably when I should reflect and grow, asking if I am doing my best.
Secondly, many wonderful changes in my life have transpired alongside these changes in my blog.
For example, I have shared with some writing groups, portions of my book that include incredibly intimate details of the worst day of my life. It’s an unreal experience quietly waiting for people to read this type of work, but deep vulnerability makes for a better story.
Also, I am putting myself out there more through deliberate advocacy efforts and simply just being who I am. I used to be annoyed at how often people would recognize me, mostly due to being trans. Now I am leaning in, perhaps even taking advantage of the opportunities, hoping I can make a difference.
These are only the big things, though! Brevity is an important lesson I learned over the past twenty weeks, so I will leave this at: trust me, I notice changes.
I love this about me!
Even though my initial work is subpar, I am thankful I ultimately started somewhere. Not only can I see the improvements in my writing, but I can see how it’s transformed who I am.
I encourage everyone to look at my example….going from wildly imperfect to less so, though remaining imperfect into perpetuity. Despite this, I see immense benefit that keeps me going.
My inability to be perfect will never stop me. I challenge everyone to put away the expectation of perfection and just try!
Mess up….then try again!
If not for you, then do it for me! There’s no magic formula I can give you, other than try your best, and be unapologetically you!
Lastly, a fun suggestion is to document your progress! While cringeworthy at times, it’s beneficial to look back, even if you just need a laugh!
Have a wonderful week everyone!! See you at week twenty one!!
“new and improved: now with more Hazel!!” — I’m stealing this! I love the idea of a new and improved me: now with MORE ME!