Hello again! Here we are with another week! How was your week?
It remains okay for me. My emotions are a roller coaster these days, as fear can be triggered by a single look from a stranger or thinking about traveling through rural parts of the midwest. As I write this in a hotel in Omaha, the latter was all too real for me this week, facing a trip I made countless times, though under a shroud of trepidation 200 miles long.
Despite the appearance of joy only days earlier, panic overwhelmed my happiness, initiating a flow of tears that’s grown so familiar over two months, as the bills turned into laws in Kansas. That’s right, it’s been nearly two months of sadness and fear; although my growing concern is the lack of a definitive end in sight.
My best response is to get used to this.
Earlier this week, I was compelled to write a poem, which I haven’t done in ages. I have no reason for it, other than overwhelming emotions taking control in a form of therapy from my heart into my fingers. Afterwards, I asked my kids what they thought, their first, and most consistently used word was ‘sad’. Just sad.
I was satisfied.
My life is sad, hard, and when it becomes too much, I find myself in my bedroom, or bathroom, crying. And crying. My kids are accustomed to leaving me be. That is how we cope. I hate that my 13 and 11 year old children can only watch their mother cry, while the world is so cruel.
I know they want to help, but we all accept the tears must run their course, so we can simply move on.
Even if they could help, I am not in a position to coherently convey what I need, since all I can think about is returning to whatever my most recent status quo was.
That’s often my dilemma, people ask what they can do, when I am emotionally incapable of an answer beyond: help me feel safe. I know no one has that power, so I am using this relatively lucid mindset to provide my suggestions on Allyship!
These are my ideas on how cis people can help the trans community, thus not perfect, rather simply my suggestions.
First, what is an ally? While boring, it’s imperative to first define what we are talking about. An ally, or allyship henceforth used interchangeably, has key features:
Passion to make the world better for a marginalized group, any marginalized group. I want to be an ally for people of color, understanding my white voice can be used for good, notwithstanding my membership in the trans community.
Next, and significantly important, Allyship REQUIRES ACTION. This is a minimum requirement beyond simply stating the words: I am an ally.
To reiterate, simply saying “I am an ally” does not make you an ally.
I withhold apologies if this feels confrontational, but understand we need action. Conversely, sitting quietly patting yourself on the back while talking about allyship is not helpful, or actually is dangerous, because the other side is quite vocal, so silence communicates complacency.
Okay Hazel, what action can I do?
Standing alongside the trans community takes many forms, depending on your comfort and uncomfort. To be more comfortable, research the issues, such as the laws, the impact, and what the other side is saying or doing. Recently, this has become a central focus in my blog, as I have heard encouragement to offer this information, as well as feedback that this has been most impactful to others.
While I am not an expert, I know real, personal experiences tend to be the most compelling, hence I’ve become more vulnerable by opening up my life. I do this, so you can understand and speak intelligibly about the trans experience, which you may not have the pleasure to experience.
Talk about my pain caused by these laws. Talk about how I do not feel safe going to places I regularly visit. Talk about how I cry more now than ever before, because my elation for living my life is causing consternation for people who have the ability to hurt me.
Talk about how all I want is to be left alone to be joyfully me.
There will be people who listen to you in ways they will not listen to me, so I am giving you permission, rather I insist, to use my experience in ways to benefit the trans community.
Next, let’s get uncomfortable. Our battle is ignorance, right? Sharing my experience will shift some minds when the conversation is in growth mode; however, often the conversation starts and ends about the negativity around the trans community. In these situations, allyship requires speaking up!
This could be among friends, family, or work situations, when you hear a hurtful comment you know is wrong. My suggestion is a firm though gentle correction, which conveys you do not permit disrespect, while also providing opportunities for others to follow your lead. Who knows, you may start some positive momentum!!
On the other hand, by not saying anything, you mirror the disrespect, opening up additional commentary or emboldening them to further hurt the trans community. What is stopping someone from escalation, when they are convinced everyone feels as they do?
Allyship is a responsibility to speak in places the marginalized population cannot. I like to say, I will never be in a room without at least one trans person, so my mere presence alters the dynamics. There are places for me, just as there are places for you!! Find those and help!
Lastly, please be safe. Remember the anti trans group has significant overlap with the pro gun groups, meaning there may be dangers for you. While it probably won’t happen among friends or family, there are more unknowns among strangers. Hence, my fear is great enough I adamantly avoid certain areas of the public with higher concentrations of people who are armed with guns and anti trans sentiment.
Thank you for reading!! Thank you in advance for your future ally work!!
I will bring up other allyship ideas in future posts, so if you have specific questions or topics, I would love to hear them!!
Until then, have a wonderful week!!