Hello on another Sunday! How was your week? Mine was well….not great.
While it was not the worst week in my life, I experienced emotions unlike any I had ever felt, caused by attacks unlike any I have ever experienced
These attacks are primarily coming from state governments across this country targeting trans people, which are accelerating in unprecedented frequency and intensity. For some reason, conservative politicians are allowed to target my community, while most of the country allows it to happen.
The reality is, most of the country supports trans rights and access.
This passive acceptance of the cruelty unleashed on the trans community has impacted my life in a myriad of ways. My sleep and appetite have severely suffered, causing me to lose as much weight in seven days as I lost in the previous seven weeks; meanwhile a good night’s sleep is considered more than five hours.
Additionally, my focus and concentration have suffered, as any still moment allows my consciousness to unearth the agonizing reminders that my identity is a problem. This unending stress harkens back to points in my life when anxiety was omnipresent, causing ambition/confidence/identity to be discarded, hoping to simply get through the day.
Because my mental space and emotions have matured through my transition, I allow myself to feel, often leading to tears. On the best days recently, I cried only a handful of times; however on the worst, it would be easier to measure how often I was NOT crying. Rarely could I talk about it without producing at least damp eyes and a shaky voice.
Beyond these impacts, a deeper, more intrinsic concern crept into my psyche, which bombards the foundation of this very blog. Before considering my first post, so back nearly one year, I had inklings to write my book, because I not only valued my journey from my previous life to the new one, but I also intensely loved who I was.
Later that summer, I was happily sitting on the patio of the Panera next door, while enjoying coffee on a sunny Saturday morning, as the temperature climbed in the mid 80s, signaling another hot day was in our midst. Back then, I carried a notebook and pens to jot down the ideas that seemed to come from any source at any time.
On this day, I felt the universe telling me to slow down and dwell on these recent aspirations for a writing career. I understood that writing for the sake of writing is wonderful, but to make this a career, I had to make my passions marketable.
But what am I passionate about that could be of value to others?
After contemplating, I realized it was my enthusiasm for who I am that was quite rare, and my passion was for others to experience this elation!
It was that morning, on that patio, when I identified the story for my book, which was my journey here, combined with a blog, as a more dynamic, interactive venue for inspiring everyone to be their best self.
This is my best asset!
Now back to April 2023, when the assault on the trans community intensifies weekly, for reasons I cannot possibly comprehend. Furthermore, I see they are only targeting the transgender community, so while we continue to suffer, we are left to help one another. The wounded helping the wounded in an ever weakening defense.
Transgender Day of Visibility comes and goes on March 31st, when even the president speaks our praises, though how quickly we are forgotten. We truly feel we are being erased from existence as who we are, BECAUSE of who we are.
I admit, I’ve been hurt so badly, my mind goes to places I never conceived possible only weeks ago. How could I not speculate on whether transitioning was the root of my pain, despite generating so much joy at one point.
It’s a terrible place for my mind to persist.
Ultimately, I cannot give up.
This is not material for a motivational poster. It’s my life. I cannot give up. I have no idea what I would even do.
When I found myself, I finally made sense, because all parts of me aligned in a cohesive entity, which is what you now see, talk to, and experience. I love this me!
Being me is mindlessly intuitive, as opposed to when I evaluated every detail of who I was. Situations in my past brought forth constant anxiety from my surroundings, which combined with the reminders that my existence was fragile and floundering. I was unable to simply fall back on who I was, because there was nothing there.
I cannot give up, because I cannot even pretend to be that person. There was no person there, rather it was this transgender woman named Hazel, whom the world could not fully experience yet. She was yearning to be seen.
Giving up means there was nothing there, so I would never have existed
Beyond my person, there is this blog, which is dedicated to my passion for who I am to the extent I feel compelled to lead others.
How is my blog possible, if I do not exist?
My book tells the story of discovery and salvation…spoiler alert: I transition by the end of my book. There is absolutely no story without who I am today.
How is my book possible, if I do not exist??
How is anything possible in my life, if I do not exist??
For those who reached out to me these past weeks, I truly thank you! Even when I am too upset to express my full gratitude, please understand it’s here, buried under doubt and despair.
For those who follow me on the social medias, you may have seen posts about rallies around Kansas City this weekend, which has been so fantastic to attend! Gathering among many other trans people is incredible, particularly as I am expanding my network! It feels less lonely being with others who share my struggles!
Finally, I am evaluating whether to commence a project, which I hope can extend my trans experience to a wider audience, and this post dips my toe into it. Therefore, I would appreciate feedback, specifically how relatable it is. Direct messages are absolutely fine!!
Have a wonderful week!!!